Posted by Sheri Samotin on Wed, Jul 14, 2010
So, the day you’ve been dreading has come. You have concluded that you simply can’t live in your home a moment longer. If you are like many older adults, you’ve avoided confronting this reality and don’t want to think about moving into a “facility.” I’m happy to report that there are many wonderful options for you. Enjoy my top strategies for choosing your senior living solution.
- Scout ahead of time –There are many options for senior living. If you remember going to look at colleges with your teenager you’ll know exactly what I mean. It can be overwhelming to figure out what you need and what you want. So start the process, even if you can’t imagine that you’ll ever choose to move.
- Understand the math – Money does matter. Your resources will determine the range of available options. For example, if you have equity in your home, are a veteran, or own a long-term care insurance policy you may be in a very different situation from someone whose only resource is a monthly social security check. Crunch the numbers ahead of time to figure out how much can be spent each month and what is included. Most communities provide a worksheet that will help you understand this calculation. Don’t confuse the issue by spending time visiting a place that is outside of your means.
- Narrow the choices to no more than three or four using the “Five S” method – Once you have a list of possibilities that are within your budget and preferred geography, it’s time to narrow the choices to a few where you think you will be happiest. My “Five S” method, considers size, sights, sounds, smells, and services. What you are really doing is looking for a good match based on a sixth “S” – similarities. You are looking for a place where the residents are as similar to you as possible in terms of age, activity level, mental acuity, hobbies and interests, and socio-economic factors.
- Size – Will you be more comfortable in a larger community with many residents or a smaller, more intimate setting? Can you still get around reasonably well, or will a large campus become frustrating? Will you take advantage of the facilities that might be available in a larger community or will these amenities likely go unused? Will the size of the living unit work? To many women having a full kitchen is very important, even if they will receive two meals each day as part of their living package. On the other hand, many men are sure they need a “den” or “office” within their living unit and won’t hear of moving into a space without it.
- Sights – The classic line I hear from people exploring senior living options is, “Everyone here is old!” Sometimes that’s true. Some communities cater to an older crowd with more physical limitations and you’ll see lots of walkers and wheelchairs. Other communities attract younger, more physically active residents where jackets and ties at dinner are expected. You’ll also find that there are distinct differences in the “look and feel” from one residence to the next. Some have a homey feel, while others look like upscale hotels or even cruise ships! And still others give a more clinical or medical impression. Ask yourself whether you can “see” yourself in a particular community. Take the time to notice the details, especially in the public spaces.
- Sounds – When you first enter the community, is there a hush, or do you hear a loud television set? Or perhaps, you hear ringing phones and beepers, much like you would in a hospital. Do you get the impression that the residents are socializing, gathering, and participating in activities?
- Smells – Try to visit about a half hour before mealtime, and notice the smell. Is it appealing? When you are in the living areas, does it look and smell clean? Does there seem to be a strong “air freshener” odor everywhere that might be used to mask less than optimal cleaning? Our sense of smell is a fabulous clue to what’s really going on.
- Services – Some communities offer a continuum of care, so that residents can come into an independent living situation and then move to assisted living, skilled nursing, or a memory unit if needed. This is ideal if you and your spouse need different levels of care or if you suffer from a condition that you know will progress over time. You’ll also want to look at the services available to help with activities of daily living, transportation, physical therapy, etc. Take a close look at the social calendar since interaction with others is one of the huge benefits of community living.
- Ask for and check references – Before you decide that a particular community is on the short list, be sure to ask for and check a few references. Ask for permission to talk with the family members of two or three residents in addition to the residents themselves. When you have these conversations, don’t be shy about asking some tough questions.
Once you have arrived at a decision, it is important that you move ahead with it quickly. As the saying goes, “time kills all deals”, and this one is no exception. You will always be able to come up with a reason why this isn’t the right time to move. But the truth is, if you have reached the point where you have even started visiting communities, you probably know in your heart that this move really is in your best interest.
©2010 LifeBridge Solutions, LLC. All rights reserved.
Posted by Sheri Samotin on Fri, Dec 18, 2009
Visiting your aging parents over this holiday season provides a wonderful opportunity to create memories and to take a good look at how they are doing. Make sure you take advantage of this time to do both, especially if you live at a distance and don't get to see them often.
Perhaps the most important objective for your visit is to create memories. After all, who knows what next year will bring? One way to do this is to resurrect old traditions. Maybe your mom always baked Christmas cookies when you were young, but she hasn't done so in years. That's something you can do together, all the while chatting about the holiday in years past. Another approach is to establish new traditions together. Not only will these new traditions become part of your family lore, but they allow you to engage your parent in a new way. One way to make sure your visit is full of energy is to involve the younger generations in this memory creation marathon.
Of course, if you're like most of us, you have a list of tasks you hope to accomplish for mom or dad while you're visiting. Perhaps Dad needs help cleaning out the garage, or Mom can use some new clothes. Maybe it would be helpful for you to accompany your parent to a doctor's appointment or to take care of some banking. Whatever the task, taking care of some ordinary activities with your parent will give you a good idea of how he or she functions on a daily basis when you're not around.
During your visit, it is critical that you are a careful observer of both your parent and his or her surroundings. Observe both what Mom is doing and what she's not doing. Sometimes your best clue as to your parent's status is noticing the things they used to do with ease that they're not doing at all. For example, if Dad used to love to garden and the yard is a mess, that's worthy of your attention. Look for signs of deteriorating health, such as weight loss, recent ER visits, failing vision or hearing, or an empty refrigerator. Signs of safety or mobility concerns include recent falls, unexplained bruises, medication mishaps, or leaving the tea kettle on all night. Is Dad having trouble climbing the stairs to his bedroom? Does Mom wear her cane like a bracelet? Financial issues might be evidenced by piles of unopened mail, past due notices, or medical paperwork unopened or in piles. Perhaps the home looks different than it has in the past, with lots of clutter or maintenance and repairs ignored.
A holiday visit can be a wonderful time to engage in dialogue about these matters with your parents, siblings, or other family members if you choose the right time and approach. The right time is NOT at the dinner table on Christmas Eve or in the middle of the latke party on Hanukah! Rather, look for less formal and quieter times or even go so far as to create opportunities. A car ride or long walk can be a great time to talk, as can be a mother-daughter visit to the nail salon or spa. And remember, a dialogue means that everyone gets a chance to speak and that you're having a conversation, and that it isn't necessary or even desirable to reach any conclusions. There's time enough after your visit to work through details or logistics by telephone or email.
Finally, remember to use some of your visit to help you plan for the future. Take home a copy of the latest yellow pages. This can be very helpful if you need to marshal resources for your parent from a distance. Get to know a few of your parent's neighbors if you don't already know them and make sure to take their phone numbers home with you. Make a list of important phone numbers, such as your parent's doctors or providers of household repair services. Anything you can do to be prepared for the day to day "crises" will help keep your stress down later on.
Above all, remember to enjoy the time with your family.
©2009 LifeBridge Solutions, LLC. All rights reserved.
Posted by Sheri Samotin on Tue, Jul 14, 2009
As always, The New York Times' New Old Age blog posts a very interesting article, "With Friends Aplenty, Many Widows Choose Singlehood". And, as always, the comments are even more interesting than the post itself! While this post targets a discussion of aging, it raises questions that go much deeper about gender differences.
According to the post, widowers have it much tougher than widows. Where many widows are happy to be "free" of their caregiving role, many widowers seek someone to care for them. The comments raise some interesting questions:
- Is it just older men who are isolated, or middle-aged men too?
- Is this a generational thing, with younger men having been raised to take care of themselves, thereby less prone to a difficult "widowerhood"?
- Is the reality that there are so many more widows than widowers that the women simply realize that it is highly unlikely that they will re-couple and thererfore make their own lives and that this is all just rationalization?
- What's the role of economics in this whole matter?
I'd love to know YOUR thoughts. Please leave a comment here and tell us what you think.