The Family Transition Blog

Aging Parents: Tips for Making the Most of a Holiday Visit

 

Visiting your aging parents over this holiday season provides a wonderful opportunity to create memories and to take a good look at how they are doing.  Make sure you take advantage of this time to do both, especially if you live at a distance and don't get to see them often.

Perhaps the most important objective for your visit is to create memories.  After all, who knows what next year will bring?  One way to do this is to resurrect old traditions.  Maybe your mom always baked Christmas cookies when you were young, but she hasn't done so in years.  That's something you can do together, all the while chatting about the holiday in years past.   Another approach is to establish new traditions together.  Not only will these new traditions become part of your family lore, but they allow you to engage your parent in a new way.  One way to make sure your visit is full of energy is to involve the younger generations in this memory creation marathon.

Of course, if you're like most of us, you have a list of tasks you hope to accomplish for mom or dad while you're visiting.  Perhaps Dad needs help cleaning out the garage, or Mom can use some new clothes.   Maybe it would be helpful for you to accompany your parent to a doctor's appointment or to take care of some banking.   Whatever the task, taking care of some ordinary activities with your parent will give you a good idea of how he or she functions on a daily basis when you're not around.

During your visit, it is critical that you are a careful observer of both your parent and his or her surroundings.   Observe both what Mom is doing and what she's not doing.  Sometimes your best clue as to your parent's status is noticing the things they used to do with ease that they're not doing at all.    For example, if Dad used to love to garden and the yard is a mess, that's worthy of your attention.   Look for signs of deteriorating health, such as weight loss, recent ER visits, failing vision or hearing, or an empty refrigerator.  Signs of safety or mobility concerns include recent falls, unexplained bruises, medication mishaps, or leaving the tea kettle on all night.   Is Dad having trouble climbing the stairs to his bedroom?  Does Mom wear her cane like a bracelet?  Financial issues might be evidenced by piles of unopened mail, past due notices, or medical paperwork unopened or in piles.  Perhaps the home looks different than it has in the past, with lots of clutter or maintenance and repairs ignored.

A holiday visit can be a wonderful time to engage in dialogue about these matters with your parents, siblings, or other family members if you choose the right time and approach.  The right time is NOT at the dinner table on Christmas Eve or in the middle of the latke party on Hanukah!  Rather, look for less formal and quieter times or even go so far as to create opportunities.   A car ride or long walk can be a great time to talk, as can be a mother-daughter visit to the nail salon or spa.  And remember, a dialogue means that everyone gets a chance to speak and that you're having a conversation, and that it isn't necessary or even desirable to reach any conclusions.  There's time enough after your visit to work through details or logistics by telephone or email.

Finally, remember to use some of your visit to help you plan for the future.  Take home a copy of the latest yellow pages.  This can be very helpful if you need to marshal resources for your parent from a distance.  Get to know a few of your parent's neighbors if you don't already know them and make sure to take their phone numbers home with you.   Make a list of important phone numbers, such as your parent's doctors or providers of household repair services.  Anything you can do to be prepared for the day to day "crises" will help keep your stress down later on.

Above all, remember to enjoy the time with your family. 

©2009 LifeBridge Solutions, LLC.  All rights reserved.

Family Caregiver Tip: Using Technology To Get Yourself Organized

One of the toughest parts of being a family caregiver, especially a long-distance caregiver, is keeping all of the balls you are juggling aloft.  The truth is, the more organized you are, the less stressed you will be.  Checklists and calendars are a big help for keeping yourself organized.  But family caregivers are often expected to keep others informed too and taking the time to make all of those phone calls can sometimes just be too much.   There are many wonderful tools available that will help you facilitate communication between yourself and your care recipient, your caregiving resources, and friends and family.

Conference calls can be a terrific way to get far-flung family members involved with important decisions.  For example, if you are the primary caregiver, but have several siblings who each live in a different city, you can use one of the many free conference call services to set up a number that each of you can dial into at the appointed time.  In this way, all of those who should be part of the decision-making process can participate in real time.  Similarly, if you are a long-distance caregiver, you might find it helpful to convene a monthly conference call with all of your caregiving resources so that everyone is aware of the others' insights and concerns.

Care pages are a great way to keep your care recipient's friends, family, and support network up to date on his or her condition and activities.  Also free of charge, care pages are essentially personal websites or blogs.  They allow you as the caregiver to post entries and photos, and allow visitors to post words of encouragement to you and your care recipient.  You can set up the care page with various levels of security so you can control who sees what.   This can be a really convenient way to communicate when you don't have much time; you determine when you post, and when you read what others have posted.   Many people who have used care pages find that they develop a wonderful network of others in similar situations, a virtual support group!

Social networking sites like Facebook can serve a similar function to care pages, in that you can post updates which interested parties can follow.  You can create various levels of security on Facebook, so make sure that you don't expose personal or medical information to the world.  Similarly, there are many sites where you can set up a blog.  You can then post your thoughts or updates and viewers can post comments in return.  Blogs are generally very public, so you might find that a care page is a better tool for this purpose.

 Finally, webcams allow you to get a visual on your care recipient if you are a long-distance caregiver.  Unlike a phone call where you can only hear their voice, the webcam allows you to both see and hear the person on the other end.  Many computers today have built-in webcams, and freestanding ones are available inexpensively.  Once the webcam is set up, many care recipients are able to follow simple instructions to use them. 

By putting updates in one place and allowing those who wish to do so to access them, you eliminate the need to make multiple phone calls.  You are freed from worrying about whether it is too late at night to call your sister who lives three time zones away since she can read your update when it's convenient for her.   Likewise, if all of those involved with the hands on caregiving report their activities and observations in one place, the information is available to all of the caregivers without the need for long conversations.   As you can see, using technology can be a big help in your caregiving journey.   

Your Aging Parents: Seven Signs They Need More Help

If you are the adult child of aging parents you have probably asked yourself how you would know if they need more help.  If you live many miles away from your parents and don't see them very often you either worry about this every day, or will be in the thick of it one day when "something" happens.  If that "something" hasn't hit you personally yet, then I'll bet you have friends or colleagues who are dealing with it right now, up close and personal.  There's that moment when you just know that it's all about to become your responsibility.

Since dealing with a crisis is always more stressful than planning ahead, it pays to take some time to figure out if Mom or Dad can use some help, and then making sure they get it.  The best way to do this is to go and see the situation yourself.  You need to look for signs about what Mom or Dad are doing AND for the things they are not doing.  At first, these signs might be subtle.  It's easy to ignore them.  Who wants to acknowledge that we're all getting older?  Who wants to confront the reality that our parents aren't going to live forever?  Do yourself a favor and be honest with yourself and your siblings about what you see, and then make the commitment to get involved.  What are the signs that they need more help? 

• Health - Has your parent lost weight?  When you visit, do you find an empty refrigerator and the pantry in pretty much the same state that you last saw it, with now-expired canned goods?  Have there been recent emergency room visits?  Is their vision failing? Are they reluctant to drive at night where they used to think nothing of it? Do you have to repeat yourself often.
• Safety - Has your parent told you about falling? Leaving the tea kettle on all night? Has Mom or Dad become lost?  Do you notice any unexplained bruises on their body?
• Mobility - Declining mobility is fairly common in older adults.  The cause for concern is when they are at the point where they can't get around well anymore, when they can't climb the stairs to their bedroom, or bend over to pick up something they have dropped.
• Financial - Have you noticed a pile of unopened mail?  Are bills being paid late (or never)?  Are they being paid twice?  Are there donations to charities you've never heard your parents talk about?
• Household - Does your parent's home look different than it has in the past?  Is there a lot of clutter?  Does the front yard look unkempt?   Is garbage piling up?  Is the house being properly maintained?
• Confusion or irritability - Does your Dad forget to call you every Monday evening like he has done for years?  When you talk to Mom, is she more impatient than usual?  Do your parents easily lose track of things or time?
• Social - Has your Mom stopped participating in the knitting circle or volunteering as a reading mentor at the local school?  Has Dad stopped taken care of the garden, even though that has been his favorite leisure activity as long as you can remember?

If you can say "yes" to more than two of three of these seven signs, it's a good bet that your parent needs more help.   If you don't already have a family transition plan in place, now would be a good time to create one.  If you do, then now is the time to start implementing what you planned for.  There are many excellent resources available to you to assist you as you do.

Lifesavers for Long-Distance Caregivers - Part II

Caregiving is all about control.  As the caregiver, you want to control everything so that "nothing bad" happens.  The person being cared for wants to remain in control so that they continue to feel like a complete person.  If you can remember that control is at the core of every action and every reaction, it will help you keep things in perspective.  When you become frustrated, ask yourself why you are trying to control the situation, what will happen if you stop, and why YOU feel out of control.

One of the most important caregiving lessons is to ask for help. And then, ask again.  There are so many wonderful people and resources available to help you.  Don't feel like you are less of a caregiver when you accept help.  Be specific about what you need.  It's much easier for someone to respond to your request to bring Dad dinner one night a week then to respond to the vague request to "keep an eye on Dad."

And speaking of asking for help, remember that you are no good to anyone if you get sick, so take the time to take care of yourself. Eat well, exercise, and get plenty of rest. Ask for help for your own needs if that will help you be the best caregiver that you can be.

While it might seem expensive, engaging a professional to help you may be a wise investment. A family transition coach can assist you in putting all of the pieces in place early, ideally even before your loved one's health has deteriorated. This professional can help you select your caregiving team so that you know exactly who to call when the time comes. As a neutral third party, your coach can help navigate the family dynamics that often are heightened during times of transition.

Lifesavers for Long-Distance Caregivers - Part I

 

One of the hardest parts of long-distance caregiving is keeping all of the balls in the air. The more organized you are, the less stressed you are. Checklists and calendars are a great help, and there are many wonderful tools available to facilitate communication between you and the person you are caring for, as well as between your caregiving resources, and among those who need to know within your family.

Everyone should take the time to put their affairs in order, but this is especially true in the case of long-distance caregiving.  It is critical that you have all of the information that you need to handle your loved one's affairs at your fingertips, and that you have the appropriate permissions in place to tackle issues as they arise. Establishing a family transition plan is the best way to make sure that you are prepared.

Think about what will happen in an emergency.  Who will be your loved one's advocate if she falls and has to be taken to the emergency room? How quickly can you (or another family member) arrive on the scene? If your loved one lives in an area with blizzards, hurricanes, brushfires, or earthquakes, what is the emergency plan? How will you remain informed? Does your loved one know what to do and who to call?

We'd love to get to know you. Does your family have a transition plan?